Home Ask Gase She wants me back but I’ not interested

She wants me back but I’ not interested

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I'm a changed man
I'm a changed man

My dearest Gase, I have decided to swallow my pride and expose my behinds because of the latent heat of misery.

The old adage that ‘big guys don’t cry’ can’t sustain my emotions anymore.

My misery expedition started nearly a decade back when I met a very humble and beautiful young woman who I didn’t waste time to upgrade to a baby mama after three years of dating.

Soon after her confinement (botsetsi), she, out of the blue, decided to move to a different city where she was swallowed up by the fast-paced modern life.

Before I could open my eyes from my slumber, she was expecting a baby from the new live-in hunk.

Out of respect I only asked why she didn’t tell me if I had any pending faults in our relationship but the answer was a very solid negative.

Being a guy who has much respect for the fairer sex, I consoled myself that at least there is a by-product of our once blossoming affair which I have to support (not after half an instruction) which to this very day I still want to do.

The new guy after scoring his golden opportunity and realizing that the pregnancy was almost full-term and the baby due for delivery, showed her his true palms…that he was a father somewhere and theirs was just bonyatsi.

There she was, the greener-pasture adventurist, now sending her elders to meet my family to ask for forgiveness.

But in my heart that flame wasn’t illuminating anymore; the fire had died.

I only asked for my son’s custody but she stonewalled all my efforts, saying I had to take her too…that I had to take both her and the child. Quite irrational, I thought to myself.

Thereafter I started receiving insults about how unforgiving I was, and so forth.

This whole thing gave me sleepless nights year in and year out until I decided to suspend child support.

Now my interest for ladies is completely gone…to a point where having an erection even for a one-night stand (namola leuba) can’t materialize at all.

Some people now have aspersions that either way, I’m gay. That I fathered a child is null and void to them. I am scared to settle down, really.

What if the new lady wants us to raise a family and my sexual life needs boosters?

How do I save face in this debacle?

I feel I am now outside the brackets of baby manufacturing, and that it shouldn’t be a concern if I could meet a lady who is comfortable with my status, not try to panel-beat it.

Now baby mama is calling from every angle, saying how she loved and is still loving me. How true can that be?

At times I would say to myself let me accept for the sake of my son, for him to be raised under the care of both his parents…but how realistic will that be? This is dilemma at its apex.

GASE SAYS

Your baby mama certainly flushed a good relationship down the loo; she’s now regretting her foolishness and is desperately trying to make amends…maybe a little too late; she wasted valuable time enjoying the high life to the extent of giving birth to another man’s baby.

I just wonder if she reckoned all this time that you were just waiting to take her back with open arms after her escapades.

Now that the other man is no longer interested in her, she thought it best go boela matlotleng (to go back to a relationship that she previously abandoned).

Demanding that you take her back too if you take the child is a non-starter; what does she take you for?

It’s even worse that she hurls insults at you for being ‘unforgiving’. It just goes to show what kind of person she is.

It hurts to be dumped like that by someone you truly loved, particularly when there’s a child involved; but sometimes it is in fact a blessing in disguise as you get to realize that you nearly signed up for a lifetime of misery.

Much as it hurts to be treated like that for no apparent reason, sometimes you need to thank your lucky stars that it happened!

Imagine if you had married her…someone who can just up and leave, and not only start cohabiting with another man but also falls pregnant with his child! How do you know that she’s genuinely sorry for what she did?

It’s up to her prove to you that she has turned a new leaf, that she’s truly sorry for what she did to you and that she truly does love you still.

It shouldn’t be that hard, surely; and she must remember that insults and unnecessary demands are not and can never be part of the solution; rather, she should humble herself and try to win you back in a decent manner.

Eseng jalo o dira gore o mo tlhoboge (otherwise she’s just making you realize that she’s in fact not worth it); if she truly loves you and wants you back she’ll have to try a different approach because the current one is not working for her.

Like I said, the onus is upon her to prove to you that she’s once again worth your time.

Why did you suspend the child support?

Remember that your son did not ask to be brought into this world.

This is just an innocent child who deserves the best care possible and you cannot stop child support just because you have some disagreements with his mother.

Please rethink this as it doesn’t make sense to let your own flesh and blood suffer because of things he has no control over.

You need to reinstate that child support forthwith; you and baby mama can sort out your issues without affecting the child in a negative manner.

Your child should not be caught in the crossfire; it is uncalled for.

He’s just a child; you and baby mama make all the decisions on his behalf regarding his welfare and they should be the right ones.

You need to ensure that whatever decisions you make are not ones that will have you hanging your heads in shame in the future.

If she knows that the child would be better off with you, she should not fight you when you ask for custody of the child and she should not attempt to hitch a free ride on that bus; it’s meant for the child, not her.

You too must get your priorities straight; which is more important, your son’s welfare or your feud with his mom?

If it’s your son’s welfare that is more important then please, be a man and provide child support for your son whether he’s in his mom’s custody or yours.

Please, sir…this is very important, and if you heed my plea you will surely thank yourself and God for it sometime in the future.

Accepting your baby mama’s advances only for the sake of your son is a definite no-no.

If you said that you still love her and want to give your relationship another chance, that would be a different matter and I’d tell you to go for it.

We all make mistakes and perhaps “the greener-pasture adventurist” made a genuine error of judgment in thinking that the grass was greener on the other side…only to come crawling back to you when reality set in.

That’s life…it happens…and we all deserve another chance including your baby mama.

If she showed remorse for what she’s done…if she could prove to you that she does still love you and has always loved you like she says, and if you too still had feelings for her, then all that would be required would be for you two to get back together and carry on where you left off.

But you say that in your heart the flame has died…and that puts a spanner in the works somewhat.

If you no longer have any feelings for her then getting back with her will be a futile attempt because you will fail hopelessly at anything you’re hoping to achieve by taking her back.

That relationship will be doomed if you walk into it knowing that you don’t love her anymore; you will all come out of it scarred very badly, including your son.

A child doesn’t just need a home…he needs a home full of love…and it all starts with the parents’ love for one another.

So please, if you are sure that you don’t love her anymore and are only interested in getting custody of your son minus her, do not make the mistake of getting into a fake relationship…not even for the sake of your son.

When you and baby mama irritate each other and you start fighting for trivial things he’s going to pick up on that no matter how young he is, and it’s going to affect him badly.

Think about this issue very deeply and take a decision once and for all, as to whether or not you want to take your baby mama back.

Whatever you decide, based on what your feelings are for her, and vice-versa, sit down with her and have an open, honest discussion about your relationship and your son’s future.

Seek counseling if you feel you need extra help to resolve this matter.

About your losing interest in women completely, being unable to keep an erection during namola leuba (one night stand) and aspersions by some people that you’re gay…I’m not really sure what’s going on there.

You must get professional help for that.

The Men’s Clinic (3909402) would be your best bet to get to the bottom of this matter as they have experts who specialize in male sexual health.

For the sake of your own health you will need to get out of the namola leuba circuit forthwith, so that you can find yourself a partner that you’ll be happy with.

Whether gay or not, we are all human and want happy, healthy relationships in which we feel loved and appreciated.

Call the Men’s Clinic for an appointment or see your regular medical doctor to have your problem attended to promptly.