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Voices in My Head: The Internal Battle

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Voices in My Head: The Internal Battle
Voices in My Head: The Internal Battle

I have gone through a lot in my life due to the use of crack, I have done things that I am not proud of; but the best thing I did for myself was to seek help.

I could no longer hide my use and I had hit rock bottom multiple times.

It took me a long time to start my journey of recovery and I would often relapse back to using crack.

Even so, I was not going to give up on myself, crack had taken everything from me; I was not going to let it take away my faith and hope for a better tomorrow.

I had started going for counselling at BOSASNet for a while, I have to say for the first time I began to feel like I can actually beat the addiction.

I had high motivation to go through this journey of recovery.

The first few weeks of being sober were really exciting I felt that I was in control.

And then came month end, my salary was about to report and I started missing the feeling of being high.

I remember having an internal conflict, it was like I had 2 voices in my head, one urged me to use and the other wanted me to stay sober, like a little devil and a little angel.

This is how the conversation went…

LD: Little Devil, LA: Little Angel

LD: Yeah, it’s almost month end, you can afford to maintain your habit.

LA: You know how this ended last month, not only that but every time you have money.

LD: But this time you will be alone.

LA: Yeah right, even when you’re alone, this crack business never ends well.

LD: Come on, you haven’t used in 6 weeks and you did well.

LA: You know with drugs you’ll end up wanting more and more.

LD: Just buy two, you’ll be fine. Trust me, you can manage it.

LA: Manage?? That high lasts for 15 minutes then you’ll want more, and before you know it you’ve blown through a grand.

LD: Just for the first high, come on, you know the feeling.

LA: You know what happens when you listen to him. It always ends with you being broke, hungry, tired, sad and angry.

Month End

LD: Look, there’s the house. All you need is a pipe and a lighter to get the good times rolling.

LA: Wait. Don’t do it. Please, don’t do it! If you use, you know the outcomes.

LD: You can manage it. Just get two then sleep or read a book or even go to the movies.

LA: When have you ever JUST bought two?

LD: You’ll be alone.

LA: You were always alone in the past too.

LD: Listen, Little Angel just doesn’t want you to have fun and enjoy yourself.

LA: You can have fun without being high!

LD: Okay fine. Choose. Alcohol comes with a hangover, weed makes you see things, crack lets you climb the dragon. Which will it be?

LA: None of those will do you or your pockets any good.

LD: Can you just man up! Get two stones, beer, and some weed then go home.

LA: You need groceries, toiletries, transport money, and some money to put aside for emergencies.

LD: IMAGINE THE HIGH!

LA: What high? Go climb a tree for 15 minutes then come down then.

LD: See? See? He’s mocking you. Just ignore him, get your ingredients and go home.

LA: Get useful things. Like food, or even airtime.

Me: SHUT UP!!! BOTH OF YOU, JUST SHUT UP!!!

LD & LA: WE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS, WE CAN’T.

LD: Listen to me. Have fun while you live. Huh, what do you say?

LA: Again. You know it NEVER ends well with drugs. Next its lies, then crime, then prison.

LD: Are you scared?

LA: Do the right thing. You are 31, how long are you planning on being an addict?

LD: One last time.

LA: That’s what you say every time.

LD: This is the absolute last time.

LA: No more last times, just move on with your life and do something different.

The Internal battle we never see or know is going on until we dissect our decisions and weight out which one is okay and meaningful in our lives.

Sometimes we give in too quick, that we end up using, doing something we don’t want and even buying things we don’t need.
To be continued…

If you think that you might have a substance abuse problem, or if you have a friend or family member who does, we encourage you to seek help.

You can find BOSASNet on Facebook, visit us on www.bosasnet.com, or call us on 3959119 or 72659891 for more information.