Home Youth Affairs TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL

TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL

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I recently received a very emotional and sad email from a 22 year old young lady pleading for help and advice on a very unfortunate ordeal that she’s going through.

Now this email I must say was one of the most heartfelt and devastating mails I’ve ever received in my history of writing this column. I even cried when reading this email and was left shocked, confused and angry.
Now this 22 year old young lady wrote in her mail that her parents divorced when she was only 3 years old and the mother re-married when she was 5 years old.

Now the step dad sexually abused her for 2 years when she was in standard 1 and 2. During this sexual abuse the man actually had the guts to penetrate the then 5/6 year old.  You can imagine the pain that this lady had to go through16 years ago, devastating I tell you. I wonder how this man goes by a second of his life knowing what he did to the young beautiful innocent soul.

Anyhow in the mail the young lady went on to reveal that she has actually kept this ordeal under wraps and has never told a soul about it till this day, her mother does not know that her husband forced himself into her five year old daughter.

However, the past has now caught up with the young lady and she’s struggling to forget about her past and live her life freely. She thought she could just sweep the issue under the carpet and never revisit what she considers to be the hell of her life. Now to add salt to injury, she has to live with this man in the same house because she is still a scholar, she cooks for the man and cleans after the man.

So basically this young lady was asking me if she should tell her mother about her monstrous husband and risk ruining their marriage, being called a liar, being resented by the mother, being accused of wanting to break up the happy marriage or she should just keep quiet and try to move on.

Well, you can imagine the pressure I was under, telling someone what to do in such a situation is not easy at all. I must admit, because of the anger and despise I built for the man, I honestly felt like screaming at the girl to not waste any second and tell on the monster! But guys, after sitting down and putting much thought into the issue, I advised her to seek professional help as to get prepared for the consequences of telling because really, a lot may just happen.

The mother might believe her or choose to stand by husband and dismiss the allegations and possibly disown her child. I mean society might go against the girl or support her, the consequences are just unknown and before facing the repocursions, she needs to be well prepared.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all suggesting that she keeps quiet, of course the best thing to do is to expose the man. No man or woman deserves to be set free after committing such terrible actions, they deserve to be punished harshly.

And again, the mail did point out that she wasn’t only doing this to free herself of the past but also to protect her little sister who might be going through the same thing. But really, just like I mentioned earlier, she needs to be prepared both psychologically and emotionally.

What do you think…? Should she tell, or shouldn’t she?

8 COMMENTS

  1. Definitely! She should expose this disgusting piece of sh*t but prepare well for inevitable consequences. By doing that she may be saving a lot of other victims/potential victims out there she may not even know about! You did a good job advising her to seek professional help before taking a leap as the consequences are unpredictable and could be even more devastating for her. She needs to anticipate any eventuality and be prepared for it, to handle better without feeling guilty. She should have support ready should her mother be blind enough to turn against her! There will need to be a lot of corroborative evidence other than just an allegation. That’s when this gets messy! She will need to get it exactly right! I hate people who do this to children and every effort should be made to issue out a deterrent sentence and monitoring their movements whenever released from custody. Never to be anywhere near children! It’s people known or closer to victims who commit most rapes, and they are banking on intimidating or blackmailing the victim to get away with the crime, that the victim won’t be believed and that over time lack of evidence would allow them to get off scot free. We should never let that happen in this society! Bloody hell!

  2. This is really sad,i even get scared for my 5 yr old daughter,the advise u gave her is gud, she shud seek for professional help to prepare herself first,
    waitse banna ba malatsi a, have turned into monsters,its disgusting.

  3. disgusting as it may sound, i dont think this is a true story. the e-mail could have come from a phsycology student at a university trying to gather information for his/her thesis. well, that said, now i go to my arguement, a 5/6 year old girl, penetrated by an adult male and there no physical injuries, is unbelivable. at that age, her private parts would have been severely injured and got an infection due to untreated injuries resulting in her finding difficult to walk leading to the mother, teacher even fellow classmates to notice, including the odour emitting from her, would have caused anyone near her to suspect. asumming it happenned and now the girls is struggling with the past, it is surely sympathetic for the girl. it a fact she will live with the sad memory all her life and she has to stand up and fight it, how i dont know, thought professional help is an option (there are professionals out there who are bitter themselves and want to punish the papetrators instead of helpng the victims to put their bitter past behind and move on) just in case you are a christian, kneel and pray, humble yourself to God and ask for his guidance. in 2000 i met a 30+ single woman whom we can describe as anti-social. she told me she was sexually abushed by her uncle when she was 12, she didnt tell anybody till the time she opened up to me. she had to accept and let go of the past, at 30, of course no one can believe her. you didnt mention how old this girl who e-mailed you is now, though you said she is a attending school (attending as adult entrant at CCE or she is still in her teen/early 20s) . she should open up and share this with intention for her healing and not seeking revenge, in most cases what you people call justice, is revenge and that’s why there wars with no end. mine was a lesser evil but equally damaging, for more than 20 years i lived with guilty that i killed my little brother. what filled my subconcience was the incident when i was 6 and my little brother was 4 and we had a fight and i hit him on the head, he cried and went and slept, a few dayz latter he came and put his head on my lap and i notice a small wound where i had hit him. as he fell asleep on my lap, little did i know that he was sick, that evening he was taken to the hospital, that was the last time i saw my brother alive. he died in the hosptal and the wound on his head was all i could remember and each time i thought of him my subconscience tells me, oh my God i killed my brother, at 30 i gathered couraged to tell my aging mom what has been bothering me for years, she told me, my brother died of measels. u can imagine the joy i got, i asked not to seak revenge but to know the truth. if only that girl, one day could gather strenght and face that monster in the name of step dad and ask him, “why did you do it?” not to seek revenge but for her own healing, i tell you that will make that guy suffer more pain than he would have ever gotten in any jail. mental pain is more devasting that the physical.

  4. I have to agree with Faith Moyo. A standard one/two child is one who is still bathed by an adult and if penetration had occurred there would have been highly visible signs. Don’t get me wrong, it is possible that a tragedy like this could occur, my point with relevance to the above story is that critical aspects of the story have been omitted.

    For instance, why is this girl quick to conclude that if she told her mother about her ordeal then the blame would fall on her? Was she a delinquent child fond of fabricating stories? And then there is the part about being concerned about her little sister who might be going through the same thing. Are you telling us that at age 22 she cant even take the simple step of talking to her little sister to confirm her suspicions? Or better yet, she couldn’t even tell if her own sister was being sexually abused?

    So while Tshepo Sepora (the columnist) appears to be dramatically overwhelmed, i would suggest you collect more information on which to base your reaction. In conclusion i challenge this girls cognitive skills and ability to tell captivating stories. I’m not moved, convinced or impressed.

  5. aish aish hi hi these man has to be custrated with a rubberband and never have num num for the rest of his life how can he bonk a stndrd one child lol and when is he doing these things.mothers has also to be very close to their daughters and teach them to be open to discus.we need that chinese law IN BOTS.

  6. thabsdk March 24, 2012
    This is really sad,i even get scared for my 5 yr old daughter,the advise u gave her is gud, she shud seek for professional help to prepare herself first,
    waitse banna ba malatsi a, have turned into monsters,its disgusting.

    Hi what make you scared now please tel me i hav a good advice.

  7. thabsdk March 24, 2012
    This is really sad,i even get scared for my 5 yr old daughter,the advise u gave her is gud, she shud seek for professional help to prepare herself first,
    waitse banna ba malatsi a, have turned into monsters,its disgusting.

    @tshek
    there are traps you can make if you are scared talk to me you will be reliefed.

  8. even a teenager breaking verginity experience a lot of difficulty i being penetrated, not to mention the next morning when she has to walk talk less of a 5/6yrs old. are u aware that even a finger cant penetrate a virgin without difficulty, this child wud have started bathin, washin her underware, sleeping in her own room and even being antisocial @ da age of 3yrs becoz honestly, cumon; a mother cant mis this at dat age, after all a achild’s behaviour changes after such cruelity to innocent soul which cud also alert the mother to ask, “gorileng ngwanaka, agona le mongwe yoo ogo iteileng, nne o tshameka leng mang, ogo reile areng, ke eng o didimetse”, i mean such behaviours can be picked. breakin of the hymen in a woman is in almost all women painful talk less of 5/6yrs old. bathing children is 1 perfect time of pickin anormalities frm the child, coz leene maid or any gurdian wud pick dat nd ask. if this is true bcz m nt conviced then i agree with yr advice and i wonder if she’s datin nw, cz a person with dat experience turn to fear men nt to mention sex untill she goes thru some emtional, psychological, spitual and even physical counseling. does the bfrnd knws if she has 1, or haasena does she intend to hav coz i see anger directed to dat guy yyo asenang molato. until she opens it dats when freedom will come.