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She loves me more

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I’m in a relationship with a girl whose father is my colleague at work and we are also neighbours.

He doesn’t know about my relationship with his daughter; if/when he finds out he is not going to like it and we will have to part ways again.

We are both not free because of this problem. My girl loves me but at times I feel I want to be alone because I feel I don’t love her the same as she does me.

I’m just doing it for her, not to hurt her, but I know I want out of this relationship.

I’m confused because I feel like I’m wasting both my time and hers.

How do I tell her that I’m off the relationship? I’m 24 and she is 20.

GASE SAYS:

I’m just wondering, why do you think her dad is not going to like it when he finds out about your relationship? Could it be that you know her dad is on to you? Is it possible he’d know you’re just fooling around and playing with his daughter’s feelings?

You say that if her dad finds out you two will have to part ways again; this implies you’ve been together before and then parted ways. If that is the case may I know why you parted ways previously; did you ever love her or were you even back then just stringing her along like you’re doing now?

In her case, it may very well be that she doesn’t feel free because she knows her dad will not approve of the relationship if he finds out; but as for you, it seems to me that you have other reasons for not being free in this relationship. One reason could be that you know you’re misleading her into thinking you love her back when you know you don’t.

You say that you’re just doing it for her, not to hurt her. Well, let me tell you something; there’s no such thing as ‘just doing it for her’. You cannot be in a relationship just for the sake of the other person! A romantic relationship is about two people who love each other, and if you’re in it just because you ‘don’t want to hurt her’ then you’re being dishonest, hurtful and downright cruel.

You say that you are confused, but I don’t see anything confusing here. It’s very clear and straightforward…and you’ve said it yourself…you’re wasting your time and hers, and you want out. The only problem I see here is that you may still be hanging around for selfish reasons.

You know she loves you and you may be using her to amuse yourself before you move on. If so, please do the young lady a favour and end this relationship forthwith.

I can understand that you’re trying to protect her feelings by continuing to be with her when you know the relationship is not real, but it’s a big mistake and if you continue to lie to her when you know for a fact that you’re wasting her time she’ll be even more hurt when she finds out the truth later. It’s painful, but that’s life. You should not be in a relationship where the love is one-sided.

Please be gentle when you break the news to her; if you feel that telling her the whole truth will be too harsh on her, then just give her half the truth and say you’re afraid of the consequences should her dad find out about the two of you.

If she’s taking it badly and not coping very well you can always advise her to seek counselling. Speak to a counsellor yourself if you’re still feeling confused; see on this page ‘Where to Get Help’ and you’ll find contact details of counsellors there.