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My man is addicted to sex

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Dear Gase,

I think I am dating a guy who is kind of a sex addict.

The reason why I feel this way is because ever since this relationship started there was never a time where we would be together without having sex.

This started to bother me; I did tell him and he would say I was telling the truth, that we needed to stop that kind of behavior and that if we stopped completely he would have no problem.

I did believe him and I started to dedicate my life to church, which he too seemed to do since we are both Christians.

He did say that if we stopped having sex, he would have no problem, and also because according to our Christian religion sex before marriage is a sin.

I suggested we wait for the right time. Ever since then we have been fighting like a cat and dog; there were times he would bribe me to come to his place and as soon as I got there he would try to seduce me and at times he would try to manipulate me by saying it’s not wrong for us to do it ‘cause we love each other.

I’d leave this guy were it not for the fact that when we had an issue sometime in the past and we broke up, he did act like a noble man by coming back into my life at a time when I needed him the most.

How can I help this guy?

Honestly speaking his life is a mess…it’s like he has put too much priority into this sex issue.

When I try to advice him that he needs to look for someone who is already ordained a Pastor to help him because he is also called to be a Pastor but he says I am too spiritual, and that he wants to enjoy his youthful years.
GASE SAYS…

When you say, “he is also called to be a Pastor” do you mean that he’s in training or being groomed to become a pastor? At that level I would have thought he’s more enlightened than the average man about the rules of the church and the Christian way of conducting oneself; it’s therefore quite disturbing that he’s displaying signs of irresponsible behaviour.

He should be doing his best to encourage you to uphold your Christian values, not trying to drag you down with him.

You say that his life is a mess; if you keep allowing him to manipulate you, your life too may soon become a mess, just like his.

One wonders if he has forgotten that the younger generation in the church is going to be looking up to him and he should be a role model for them.

That he can simply dismiss you as being “too spiritual” shows that he’s not about to listen to your advice; as he bluntly told you, he wants to enjoy his youthful years.

However, don’t give up on trying to help him; even though right now he’s determined to “enjoy his youthful years”, stick to your advice that he should seek the help of an ordained pastor.

He really needs to talk to a church elder or counselor to help him decide what his priorities are in life and hopefully, get back on track.

About the sex addiction, suggest to him that he calls the Men’s Clinic for an appointment to discuss the issue with an expert.

If he truly loves you and is not just out to use you for sex, he’ll do his best to get help.

You have to understand though, that you cannot force him to seek help if he sees no need for it.

It’ll be up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue dating a guy like that.

It seems to me that you’re kind of ‘tied’ to this guy just because he was “noble” enough to come back into your life at a time when you needed him.

Right now would you still describe him as noble?

WOMAN WITH SEX ADDICT BOYFRIEND SAYS

Last year he used to meet with one of his Pastors and he says there he was taught on the Bible and I could see some positive results but he has stopped going and now says he wants a new mentor.

I always tell him that if we are to be married we should start now to be good role models because we are expected to practice what we preach to the young people.

When I say that to him he tells me that he is going to encourage those who have indulged in sex before marriage to marry, because it is hard to refrain when one has already tasted it.

Is it true that it’s hard? He is not noble now but I thought this is not the real him there is something wrong…he needs help.

GASE SAYS…

Okay, I think I get what you’re telling me.

This is just someone who has veered off the path but deep down he’s a good man who still has it in him to clean up his mess and get back on track…is that right?

In that case, do ask him about the issue of a new mentor, so that he doesn’t just say things without following them through.

Good intentions without action are meaningless.

If you truly believe that this is not the real him, that there is something wrong with him and that he needs help, you should discuss this with him and encourage him to seek help.

I hope that he will understand where you’re coming from on this, and that he will therefore make a commitment to get the help he needs in order to turn his life around.

If, like he says, he’s going to encourage those who have already indulged in sex before marriage to get married, that will be good of him, as we all know that the church frowns upon sex before marriage.

You want to know if it is true that it is hard to refrain once one have experienced sex; well, people are different…for some it may be easy while others may find it difficult to do.

It all boils down to knowing and understanding why the church says ‘no sex before marriage’; if one understands the reason and values it, even if s/he has made a mistake and indulged in sex before marriage, s/he will ensure that s/he gets back on track, by abstaining…that’s why the term ‘secondary abstinence’ exists.

It means even if you have succumbed to temptation and indulged in sex before marriage, if you really understand why the church says it’s wrong, you can clean up your act, get back on track and stay on it through secondary abstinence.

On the other hand, if one does not know or does not fully understand why the church frowns upon sex before marriage…or does not take the teachings of the church seriously, s/he may find it difficult to abstain.

Sit your man down and have an open and honest discussion with him about the fact that you feel his life is a mess right now…and that he needs to change.

Be patient and give him the support he needs because he cannot do this by himself…but like I said in my previous reply, you cannot force your assistance/support on him if he does not want it.

If he wants to change he will take action by seeking help; but if he shows no interest in changing, it will then be up to you to decide on your own way forward.