Ask Gase


I met my girlfriend in September 2014; everything was going well until last year in December when I discovered that she is married.

After I asked her about her marriage she told me that she had filed for divorce.

I stayed in the relationship because she said she doesn’t want to lose or hurt me.

This year I caught her cheating and when I asked her about it she gave me no valid reason for cheating on me.

I have introduced her to my parents and my 2-year old son and she too has introduced me to her son.

That alone pains me. She phoned me last week saying her husband didn’t come to court for the divorce case.

The problem is we don’t stay together and I don’t know how true it is that her husband did not turn up at court for the divorce case.

So, help me; how do I deal with this kind of issue?

This is a tough one because from the very beginning your girlfriend was not honest with you and of course the result is that now you don’t trust her.

The thing about trust is that once it’s lost, the road to recovery is never an easy one.

It takes just moments to destroy trust, but it can take years to rebuild.

Trusting someone like your girlfriend can be quite a challenge; she didn’t tell you that she was married…and that’s huge!

If she could keep such vital information from you for a whole year, one wonders what else she’s capable of.

Whenever she tells you something you just never know whether or not she’s telling the truth.

No wonder her marriage is on the rocks. Has she even filed for divorce as she claims, or is she just lying to you? I wouldn’t put it past her to lie about that.

You need to start investigating this woman to find out what the real story is.

When she said that her husband didn’t come to court for the divorce case, was she claiming that the case could not be heard because of that?

You’ve said it yourself that you don’t know how true it is that her husband didn’t turn up at court, so you need to start finding out stuff for yourself and not just take her word for it as you’ve realized that being truthful is not one of her strongest points at all.

She’s still very much a married woman until the divorce is final; before then, just know that her husband could take you to the cleaners for marriage wrecking even if their marriage exists only on paper.

As long as you continue to be in a relationship with a married woman, be prepared to be hauled in front of the law for that; her husband is probably planning and just waiting to pounce on you for wrecking his marriage.

Whatever your reasons for staying in this relationship, they will not help you when you’re being fined for dating a married woman and causing a breakdown of her marriage.

You have been warned!

As if all this wasn’t enough, this year you caught her cheating on you; a married woman cheating on both her husband and her lover!

If all this dishonesty, lying and cheating doesn’t tell you what kind of woman you’re dealing with here, I don’t know what will.

You should actually be afraid…be very afraid. You say that she couldn’t give you a valid reason when you asked why; well, there’s never a “valid reason” for cheating, but as you seem to be willing to make this relationship work against all odds, it’s good to know why the cheating partner did it as this informs any adjustments you need to make on your side to repair the damage and hopefully prevent a repeat of the cheating in future.

It’s sad that you found out all this after you’d already introduced her to your parents and your two year old son.

Painful as it may be to you, it is what it is; it’d done, and the truth remains the truth.

You need to have a heart-to-heart with your girlfriend and voice your displeasure concerning her behaviour.

Let her know that no relationship can survive when it’s based on lies, cheating and dishonesty, which in this case has led to your losing trust in her.

Tell her she is not the person you thought she was, because she was not upfront with you about the fact that she’s married, causing you to introduce a fake somebody to your family.

By withholding that information, she actually led you and your family to believe that she’s single when in fact she’s not.

Let her see the gravity of her actions and hear what she has to say for herself.

It is not enough for her just to say she loves you and doesn’t want to lose you or hurt you; she knows it’s what you want to hear and is just trying to wiggle her way out of the mess that she has created.

She has already hurt you and must take responsibility for that; she must tell you how she intends to fix this which is now no longer about just the two of you but her son, your son and your parents too.

Tell her that you need to go back to your parents and tell them the truth…that she’s married but kept it from you.

After you have had your discussion, go to your parents and tell them the truth; they deserve to know.

Besides, it’s better that they hear it from you than from someone else, as they surely will some day when this whole mess explodes in your face.

Remember I said her husband could make you walk over hot coals for marriage wrecking?

Well, don’t you think your parents should know the truth about your girlfriend now, rather that be shocked by the turn of events later on?

When you’ve spoken to your girlfriend but all this proves too big for you to resolve on your own, please seek counseling.

New Perspectives offer Relationship Counseling and Family Therapy; try them or check our ‘Where to Get Help’ list for other counseling service providers.

Counseling will help you decide what options you have and choose for yourself the one that you deem to be the best going forward.

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