Home Ask Gase My boyfriend paid lobola for his baby mama

My boyfriend paid lobola for his baby mama

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Hi Gase…

I’m in deep love with a man and our relationship was improving day by day, but then I discovered that beginning of 2015 he paid lobola for his baby mama.

Though that was before we met he didn’t tell me.

When I confronted him and he admitted it but claims that the reason why up till now there has not been any progress with wedding arrangements is because the woman is a control freak and he isn’t sure he wants to be married to her.

The problem is, I tried convincing him to let me go but up until now he’s still refusing.

We love each other but I can’t bear the fact that every night I soak my pillow with tears.

Last week he went to see his older brother and told him that he wants to get married to me and not her.

But I can’t bear the pain anymore.

Should I just walk away and let him be or should I be patient?

Gase Says….

It is rather disturbing that this man got into a serious relationship with you but did not see any need to tell you that he had paid lobola for another woman.

This is no small matter and for someone to withhold such important information should make you ask yourself what else he is keeping from you.

It’s even worse that when you confronted him, instead of telling you why he has been keeping such vital information from you, he gave you a reason as to why up to now the marriage has not taken place.

By telling you that the woman is a control freak, he’s merely shifting your focus from him to his bride-to-be.

That is a cheap shot from a weak man, if you ask me. When is he going to take responsibility for what he has done to you?

Why is it that he doesn’t seem to realize that he has done you a great injustice and he needs to own up to his actions?

Do you realize that he has probably been seeing both of you at the same time?

In other words, all this time when you’ve been “in deep love” with him, he was probably “in deep love” with his bride-to-be as well.

So he’s not sure that he wants to get married to a control freak? Are you dating a man or a boy?

How can he not be sure, and where does that leave you?

It’s either he wants to marry her and is continuing with the wedding plans behind your back…or he does not want to marry her, in which case he should have already told the woman and the elders that he’s no longer interested in marrying her.

If he has not done the latter, i.e. broken off the engagement, then he’s being very dishonest with you.

This will mean that your entire relationship is based on half truths or even lies.

This man must not waste your time telling you how much of a control freak the other woman is; your relationship is about the two of you, not the other woman.

What he must explain to you is why he kept his engagement to this other woman a secret…why you had to find that out by yourself…and if he has not broken up with the woman and has not told the elders, he must explain to you why that is so.

You may be blinded by your love for this man, but I believe you’re an intelligent woman who can easily put two and two together…so please, apply yourself; use your head…this is not rocket science; it doesn’t take a genius to know that right now, this is a man who cannot be trusted.

I’ve referred to his bride-to-be as ‘the other woman’; the truth is, you are the other woman, not her. According to Setswana custom, she’s ‘officially’ engaged to be married to him so she’s the one who’s recognized as his partner, not you.

This man deliberately misled you and allowed you to invest your time and emotions into a fake relationship; he knew very well that he had already made a commitment to another woman, and he kept that information from you because he wanted to use you.

As he was not honest with you from the very beginning, you will have to take everything he tells you with a pinch of salt.

I suggest you wake up from your slumber before you get even more hurt than you already are.

Were you with him when he told his older brother that he now wants to marry you and not the one he paid lobola for?

Do you have proof that these are not just false claims…that he has in fact told that to his brother?

What about her…did he have the decency to break off the engagement face-to-face, or is he depending on his older brother to do the dirty work for him?

Anyway just remember that if he can do what he has done to this woman, there’s nothing stopping him from doing the same thing to you too…and if he can do what he has done to you, there’s nothing stopping him from hurting you again.

He’s like a man with no moral compass, so beware, more heartache could be coming your way.

You want to know if you should just walk away and let him be; or if you should be patient.

Well dear, I cannot make that decision for you; it’s really up to you to decide whether you want to continue soaking your pillows with tears every night, or you want to free yourself of this pain that you say you cannot bear.

If you’re not in a position to make any such decision by yourself, this is where counselling comes in.

When you have asked yourself and your man all the questions I have asked above and he has explained to you everything that you need to know from him about this matter…and you still don’t know whether to be patient or walk away…then talk to a counsellor.

S/he will be able to help you weigh your options and you can then decide for yourself which option is best for you.

If you feel you could use the help of a counsellor, contact Heart & Hands of Compassion on 73516022 or New Perspectives on 73888898 for Relationship Management services.