Home Ask Gase I caught him in bed with another woman

I caught him in bed with another woman

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Who am I?
Who am I?

Sister Gase, I am a married woman aged 27; I got married in 2013.

Sister, I don’t know what kind of marriage I am in.

On the 1st of July I visited my husband in Francistown where he stays with his parents.

Upon my arrival everyone in the house ignored me, and that was before I saw my husband, but I just took it easy.

Later on I asked one of the little kids where my husband was, the kid pointed me to a house; then I went there, only to find my husband in bed with a girl.

When I entered he got up and I tried to ask him who’s the lady, he started to shout at me telling me that the girl is his future wife.

He started to embarrass and disgrace me telling me that he is going to marry that girl and divorce me because I’m useless.

Sister, he started to beat me, pushing me out of the house.

His mother, father and sisters were there staring.

I cried so bitterly. Then suddenly because neighbours were watching his mother took me to the living room and called him and we talked; the girl was so welcomed by the whole family and I was just trash in her eyes.

She talked the way she liked and went away the following day.

My husband claimed that he opted to stay with that girl because we have separated, which wasn’t true.

He then promised to quit his relationship with that girl, so we came to Gaborone together; but to my surprise, this girl is still calling him at night and sending text messages.

Last night it happened that I answered her call; my husband was so furious and angry with me, saying that I am abusing him by answering this girl.

Sister, the thing is his whole family hates me so much.

My heart is bleeding with sorrow, my aunts do not listen to me at all, I’m all alone in this cage.

GASE SAYS…

If your aunts are not listening to you about this issue, where are your other elders?

Is there no other parent/elder that you can discuss the matter with? What do you want to do about this…do you want to forgive your hubby and continue with the marriage?

You have described your marriage as a “cage”, which tells me that you’re somehow feeling trapped.

Is there any hope at all that you and him will have a peaceful marriage again, especially looking at the way the whole family is treating you, including him?

Can you tell me why your hubby is still staying with his parents when he’s a married man?

He called you useless? Well, well, look who’s talking!

He’s a married man living off his parents when he should be taking care of his own wife and children, if any.

I don’t understand why you fail to add two and two together; the writing is on the wall, everything is in plain sight for you to see.

You say that his family hates you. That should be your first warning bell.

You caught him red-handed, in bed with another woman; instead of being remorseful and apologizing to you, he beat you up and told you that she’s his future wife.

His parents were there, enjoying a free soap opera; his mother only took action because the neighbours were watching.

What kind of parents have the time to entertain their married son’s infidelity to such an extent?

Obviously, you’ve married into a dysfunctional family…no doubt about that. No normal and self-respecting family does that!

He then lied to you that he was quitting his relationship with this girl, but of course she continued to text and calls him at night; as if that wasn’t enough, he gets angry wth you, not her!

What more do you want to see or hear before you understand that this thing of yours is not a marriage but a farce?

Do you still love him…and do you think he still loves you too in spite of having this other woman/girl on the side?

It’s worrying that your husband and his family do not see anything wrong with flaunting his relationship with this girl in front of you.

What you need is to sit down with your husband and discuss the issue openly and honestly, and then talk to a marriage counselor so that you can get professional help if you cannot resolve the matter by yourselves.

Please see ‘Where to Get Help’ on this page.

If at all your husband is willing to meet you halfway and make this marriage work, it’ be best to go together for counseling.

The Kgosi or District Commissioner are two other people that you can seek help from if your own elders are not helpful.