My girlfriend just behaves like a child who has no respect for her parent, and not only for her mum but for her older sister too.
In the beginning when we started dating she presented herself as an innocent person but then sometimes her sister would say to me “Do you know that my little sister is like this…” and I would be like, “Not HER!” Before long, the bad behaviour revealed itself.
She would shout at her mum. Let me say she is rebellious.
I realized this thing and just like always I tried to talk to her but she told me that she didn’t see anything wrong with herself.
I was not comfortable with her response so I tried to continue communicating with her about the issue through text messages telling her that she really needed to change.
She regarded my advice as stupidity and an insult.
Politely, I called to say sorry, but she refused to accept my apology and continued with her behaviour until I decided to leave her alone and keep quiet.
Her mum noticed that there was some distance between her daughter and I; she was concerned but I didn’t tell her anything; I just told her all was well.
She was like, “But you guys no longer talk like before”. Still, I didn’t voice out my concerns to her.
My dilemma is here now; should I take such kind of a person back?
She was okay, yes…but I don’t know what got into her and this makes me feel that maybe she would be a BAD WIFE if I were to marry her because of the way she behaves NOW.
Her mum buys all these things for her and I’m sure she does it out of love for her child, not to hurt her.
We were very good friends when we were dating, but not into sex because we had discussed the issue and finalized it.
Because of what we wanted to achieve in life we helped each other make good decisions.
Seeing how she is now fills me with pain because if she meets and starts to mix with irresponsible people she may be misled and end up getting hurt.
Mum, as I usually call her [meaning the mother to the girl] is not happy about the behaviour of the young girl and she is trying by all means to convince her to live well.
Unfortunately she doesn’t listen at all.
A few days back the girl called and she was like, “I miss you”.
I didn’t want to talk to her, so in the end I pretended as if there was a network problem.
She was pained but then when it comes to her own bad behaviour she doesn’t want to change it.
I don’t know how to solve this…I really don’t know; things were okay ma, I don’t know what happened to her.
You and her family (mum and sister) know each other and seem to enjoy a cordial relationship; because of that, you stand a better chance of helping this girl.
You care about her, and her mum and sister love her so they will support you because all three of you would not want to see her get into any trouble.
Here is what you can do:
The next time she contacts you to tell you how much she misses you, suggest to her that you meet and talk just like you used to when you were dating.
If she doesn’t make another attempt to connect with you soon enough, do make the first move and ask her to meet with you for a chat.
You say that she has some good qualities, so start by telling her about the good things that you admire in her.
Then be honest and tell her that however, there are certain things about her behavior, which disturb you and if at all she values your friendship, she will have to change.
Give her examples, such as the way she disrespects her mother and sister by talking to them in the manner that she does.
Explain to her that no child ever shouts at her parent unless she has no respect; so that is one behaviour that she certainly has to change…tell her that otherwise she’s going to lose you as a friend because you do not agree with such behaviour.
Tell her that she has given you good advice before, which you took and used because you value her as someone close to you, and that you’re asking that she also take your advice if at all she still values you as a friend.
Tell her everything else about her, which you feel is not right, apart from her behaviour towards her mother, which you want to advice her to change.
Tell her that it’s difficult for you to remain friends let alone date someone who behaves like that.
Advise her that disrespect for one’s elders and other people ultimately boil down to lack of self-respect.
Tell her that you’re not trying to dictate to her how she should live her life, and you’re not saying that you yourself are perfect.
Tell her that you’re just advising her because you care for her and because it is not right to disrespect one’s parent, and also that you don’t want her to end up mixing with the wrong people and getting hurt because they’re not going to try and help her like you are.
For example, should she find herself with ‘friends’ who abuse alcohol and/or drugs, they will only encourage her to start abusing substances but will never tell her about the dangers, because quite simply, they will not care whether she lives or dies You will have to be brutally honest with her and tell her exactly how you feel about her negative side…and you will have to talk to her face-to-face, not via sms.
End the chat session by expressing your appreciation for her good qualities and encourage her to keep doing all the positive things that make her a great person.
Tell her that the choice is hers…she and only she can decide to change or not to change her undesirable behaviour.
Tell her that no one can force her, but those who care for her (like you) will always do their best to advise her when she goes astray.
Tell her that since the choice is entirely hers, you will not bother her again if she does not want your advice, but she must know that she may end up with the wrong company, who do not care and who will not bother to advice her when she’s doing something wrong.
After that discussion, if she’s a reasonable person and if she’s smart, she will listen to you and use your advice if at all she values you as a friend.
If she doesn’t listen to you, go and talk to her mum and tell her the truth.
Explain to her that you told her all was okay when she asked why you guys were not talking like before, but that in fact all is not well.
Tell her that you tried to give her daughter advice but she doesn’t want to listen to you.
Tell her that you’re afraid her daughter is going to end up mixing with the wrong crowd and she’s going to get hurt unless she (her mum) does something about it.
Tell her to talk to her daughter, and she should seek the help of counselors if she cannot resolve the matter by herself.
She can email me or she can phone Heart & Hands of Compassion on 73516022.
Alternatively, she can contact Childline on 3900900 for help if her daughter is still a teenager.