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Conversation with Lebogang

I'm a changed man
I'm a changed man
Dear Gase,

hi! It’s me again; the young lady who contacted you last time about a boyfriend whose phone is always on silent mode.

Last week he forgot his other phone while he went to buy something from the shops at night. It’s one of those torch phones, popularly known as “sedi lame”.

I thought, as I was told, that the phone didn’t have a sim-card and that he only uses it when he’s recharging the phone that he uses to access the internet.

As his phones are always on silent mode, I didn’t realize that he had forgotten the phone until I saw the light flashing from it, showing that it was ringing.

So I checked who was calling; that person was saved on the phone as “darling”…I ignored the call until there were 3 missed calls.

I then decided to go into the inbox and sent items to read the messages, where I found that there’s good communication between those two. The call was from a number that I know; it belongs to a lady that I have previously expressed my disapproval of his relationship with.

Now they are back together again, chatting and even making appointments behind my back. What hurts even more is that I did not know of that sim-card at all and my numbers are not saved on it.

His explanation is that he and this lady belong to the same motshelo (social savings scheme); he claims that they were just greeting each other and that’s all. We now wake up next to each other and doesn’t even talk…and it’s stressing me out.

He doesn’t even have the decency to apologize. I am pregnant and what he’s doing hurts a lot. I love him…it’s just that this lady he’s having an affair with is a married woman.

Gase says..

You’re in a difficult position because in your condition you need to be given tender loving care, not be put under stress deliberately like your boyfriend is doing. For him to have a sim-card (number) that you don’t know, which he uses to communicate with other people to your total exclusion raises eyebrows…in fact, it shows that he’s someone who cannot be trusted.

There are some things that you need to revisit and take him to task about, so that you can satisfy yourself and not just believe everything he tells you as it seems he lies and is very secretive too.

If you’ve talked to him before about this married woman, who he claims to be communicating with only because they both belong to the same motshelo, and he still continuing with that particular relationship…and they even make appointments behind your back, then this should ring some alarm bells.

There’s certainly something wrong going on here, and painful as it is, it’s better for you to know what the truth is, rather than bury your head in the sand hoping that the problem will magically disappear.

Sorry to tell you this, but if you do not expose this guy for the liar and cheat that he is, this is going to continue…and it will get worse with time.

Sit him down and talk to him about this matter.

Tell him how much it hurts you; of course he knows this already but is just too selfish and will not stop what he’s doing until something drastic happens.

Here’s what you need to do:

• I know you say that you love him, but it’s just that he’s cheating on you with a married woman.

I hope you’re not implying that it’d be okay or better if he was at least cheating on you with someone who’s not married.

You should not accept to be cheated on, whether it’s with a married woman or one who’s single, so take him to task about this affair of his and do not mince your words when you express your distaste for what he’s doing.

Loving him doesn’t mean that you should accept what he’s doing; love does not make one foolish, so be unapologetic and condemn what he’s doing to you in the strongest of words.

Be firm but be very careful not to be rude or insulting as that will only make him defensive and will worsen things instead of solving the problem.

• Tell him that if he insists on continuing with the affair he will have to choose between you and the married woman.

Give him an ultimatum and see what he decides.

Ask him to allay your fears, if at all he has nothing to hide, by taking his phones off silent mode and let them ring when he’s with you.

If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problem obliging.

• Ask him for details of the motshelo that he and this woman belong to.

He should be able to happily provide you with the information you want, if he has nothing to hide…ask for specific details like the name of the group, where and how often they meet, who the other members of the group are, etc.

If he gets agitated and angry then you know for sure there’s something very wrong.

• No one can tell a pack of lies all the time without forgetting some of the smaller details that he said before.

Ask him the same thing after a few days’ intervals and see how long he can keep at his lies without slipping up.

Let this guy know you’re onto him; put everything out on the table for discussion.

• If this woman is just a fellow motshelo member and nothing more, how does he explain saving her number as belonging to ‘darling’?

Find out what really is going on here! Unless Darling is her real name, he most definitely has some explaining to do! Not only does he have some explaining to do, but some apologizing too.

• It won’t help you to wake up in the morning feeling grumpy and not talking to him; in fact that’s what he wants because the less you say the better for him.

Not talking to him means he can get away with his lying and cheating because you’re not confronting him about it.

So snap out of your grumpy mood and talk to him, otherwise you’ll never find out what you need to know, for the answers lie in discussing the matter with him in an open and mature way.

You deserve to know the truth no matter how painful, and the only way to get to the truth is by talking to him. By giving him the silent treatment you allow him the freedom to continue lying, cheating on you and just generally treating you badly.

Lebogang says..

Sis Gase I can’t cope; he doesn’t want to talk about these issues.

I gave him a chance to explain to me but all he’s telling me are lies and some things he doesn’t want to discuss at all.

I gave him time to tell me everything but still he is acting the same as before; sis Gase still his phone is kept by his side of the bed, still on silent mode. I wonder what’s wrong with him; its killing or affecting me and the baby. I can’t do this anymore.

About the motshelo thing he totally doesn’t want to talk about it. The worst part is that when I talk to him about the married lady he starts asking me why I don’t ask her myself if I don’t trust him.

I am still young Sis Gase and what I am thinking now is to end my life because telling this to people doesn’t bring me a solution to the problem.

I have thought of exposing their affair but was wondering how people are going to look at me.

I wish I had not gotten pregnant at all; if I had any choice I could have killed the baby because this pregnancy wasn’t planned at all…now he’s treating me as if I’m his slut.

Gase says..

He’s the person who has all the answers that you need but if he’s refusing to discuss the matter then it means he’s hiding something, because if he had nothing to hide then he wouldn’t have any problem talking about it.

It’s very unfair of him to tell you to talk to the lady that he’s cheating on you with, because really you have no business confronting her; it’s him that you must talk to.

What if you approach the woman about their affair and she insults you or even starts fighting you and maybe harms you and your unborn child?

Tell me honestly; the way you see it, does this man love you at all?

Ending your life can never be a solution; please understand that. You said it yourself that you’re still young; why do you want to waste such a precious gift from God?

Being impregnated by a man who treats you badly is not the end of the world.

You still have your whole life ahead of you, so please do not take your own life; treating you like his slut doesn’t mean that no one else will appreciate you.

The way this guy treats you only shows what a fool he is because he’s unable to appreciate you for what you are…and that is not your fault, so you should not end your life because of him.

Please seek counseling for help.

Do not take your own life because that man of yours and his married lover are going to rejoice that their obstacle has been removed.

If you think that they’re going to be sad and feeling sorry for what they did to you, think again, because you’re mistaken.

If he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you now, even when you’re dead he won’t care.

He’s not worth it…please don’t end your life for a foolish and insensitive man like that.

Ending your life will hurt your family and your friends very much and the pain will stay in their hearts for the rest of their lives.

Do you really want to hurt so many innocent people because of one man? He’s NOT worth it…you must believe me…I know what I’m talking about.

Do not hurt those who love you just because of a man who doesn’t care about you.

You will give birth to that child and raise him/her even if you’re struggling, it doesn’t matter because things will get better in time and s/he will grow up just like many other children, whether or not s/he has a loving and caring father.

You say that the pregnancy was not planned; so yes, it’s a mistake that you made but that’s normal life…as people we make mistakes but we must learn from those mistakes and move on with life.

You’re not the first person to make such a mistake and you will not be the last, so please understand that suicide was never and will never be a solution to your problem.

God disapproves of it; He gave you the gift of life and you’re also carrying another precious life.

Committing suicide means you’ll be taking two lives at once and will be like throwing your gift in God’s face and then spitting in His face. Please, don’t do that.

Like I say, you will only hurt those you have left behind, those who love you, such as your family.

As for that guy, he’ll just go on with his life…if you think that he’s going to be sad, heartbroken or even depressed because you took your own life and that of an innocent, unborn child, you’re grossly mistaken.

You need to talk to a professional about this, so that you can start to look at things differently.

Please call New Perspectives on 73888898 and ask for an appointment for counseling; they provide family therapy and relationship management services.